Real talk, the time in between training camp and launch is PAINFUL. My life has felt like a mixing pot of stress, goodbyes, & way too many “lasts.” I am leaving in less than a month, and I did not anticipate to be this stressed and consumed. I assumed for so long I was going to be fine (which I am/will be), so I completely forgot to let myself freak out about the craziness of this journey. I am leaving for 9 months. I’m letting go of my freedom. Saying sayonara to alone time. Au revoir to driving myself around. Hasta la vista to most of the comforts I have today. In the long run, it won’t be that big of a deal. God will be cultivating so much goodness in my time on the field that I will be able to forget what I am missing. However, I am allowed to mourn those small things. I feel like I need to look at myself in a mirror and repeat those words until I believe them. “I am allowed to mourn those small things!!!”
At TC, we were told the time between then and launch was often described as “numb.” Racers usually feel so overwhelmed, they find it easier to suppress their feelings. It looks appealing at the time, but when they get on the field it almost always backfires. This season for me has been everything but numb. I feel overwhelmed! I feel sad! I feel unprepared! I feel excited. I feel anxious. Basically, I feel all of the feels. I am trying my hardest to soak up my life in America without pushing myself overboard. I’m also trying hard to process my pain without letting myself dwell in it. It’s a difficult balance that I am glad the Lord is assisting me with.
Even though the place I’m in feels taxing, and time ahead is mostly unknown, God is so present here. Every day is filled with simple reminders of His love, and it’s so sweet. He is telling me that it’s okay if I feel weak, because He is strong. He reminds me that I am loved because of who I am and who He is, not because of what I can achieve. I am being assured of His plan for me, & that He will pave every single step of it. Isn’t He such a good father? If I am being honest, despite these truths, I have been wrestling with finding complete satisfaction in the Lord. He has been insanely intentional and loving, but I am struggling to take hold of those truths and apply it to my heart. It’s hard, because I know how much that breaks His heart. Imagine a friend or family member telling you that you weren’t good enough for them. That there was something else that would better satisfy them. I think many of us accidentally hurt the father in this way without admitting it. Its really, really easy. But good news, there is GRACE. In the process of realizing this, and then repenting, I have been so assured of His love. May I repeat, that in my weakness and failure, He is S T R O N G.
Phew, it feels good to get all of this off my chest. Let me assure you that this is only half of my emotions towards leaving. There is so much joy and peace in my heart towards it. I LOVE a good challenge. I LLOOVVEE my squad. I LOOOOVVVVVEEEE the Lord. Abba has given me so much confirmation towards my time on the race. So many promises that I can’t wait to watch unravel! Through this stress, He is teaching me how to REST and PERSIST through trials. Through my dissatisfaction, He is teaching me to be intentional and seek Him in everything. God is really good at using our humanity to exalt His name over the Earth, hallelujah!
Thank you for the read, my friends! I find so much joy in being vulnerable through my blog. This is a beautiful way I get to express my journey. I wanna give allllll the details. The good & the bad!! My next blog will be a team introduction, so I will see y’all then! Much love <3
Noelle
