faith, trust, & pixie dust

**Disclaimer: this blog has nothing to do with the title. Sorry for those who came for the Tinkerbell references. heheh.

You guys, month 1 is officially over! I am currently sitting in our hostel for debrief, a time for the squad to rest in what the Lord has done since being on the field. It’s so sweet to get to reflect on the goodness of God, & how that has been manifested this past month.

But, If I am being honest, this month has stretched me quite a bit. I got caught up in the newness and business of life and began to seek God less and less. I didn’t FORGET Him, but I definitely didn’t prioritize Him. Thus comes the issue: The less I seek God, the less rooted I am in truth. Because I lacked zeal towards Abba Father, doubts began to run wild in my mind. I began to question if I was meant to be in Thailand. I began to question if I was an adequate part of my team. I began to question if I was loved, pursued, or seen by any of my squadmates. I knew the truth, all of these doubts simply weren’t worth the thought. I AM adequate, loved, seen, & in the right place. But shoot dang, I couldn’t find the root of the problem for the life of me. 

Last night I was convicted of not spending quality time with the Lord. I didn’t have the energy to read the word, so I sat outside by the pool and listened for Abba to share what He had to say. In the midst of my waiting, I began to realize the reality of my month 1. I pushed myself so hard and lived with endless amounts of questions, but never sat down with my heavenly Father to process. I was tired, but I never let God restore and refresh my soul. & just as I was about to freak out on myself, a lightning strike flashed across the sky.

Some backstory for ya: 2 months ago I asked the Lord to give me a sign when He wants me in His presence. Obviously He always wants us to draw near, but I wanted Him to let me know in the moments when I’m not paying full attention to His heart. I asked for two signs: cumulonimbus clouds (yes this one is silly, but it’s meaningful to me) & lightning. 

The Lord has been so intentional with fulfilling these promises, the number of times I have seen vast clouds and lightning flashes are countless, but this one hit my heart differently. It pretty much stopped me in my tracks. I knew the Lord wanted my attention at that moment, so I laid on the ground and gazed at the stars, intently listening for His voice. In a soft and mellow whisper, as God usually does, He asked: “do you trust me?” My initial answer is always yes, but I had to stop and think this time. At that moment, I genuinely did not trust the Lord. I had become so wrapped up in my doubts and fears that I forgot who my Father was. I spent the rest of the night with Abba, and goodness it was so sweet. I can’t fully explain how loved I felt leaving that time last night. He completely mystified me. I got to lay underneath the stormy sky, talking with my God about His relentless pursuit of my heart. 

I wrote a journal entry in my phone notes app as I got in my bed to process. It’s pretty much a love letter to the Lord, it very genuinely encompasses everything I felt last night. It’s messy & raw & real, I hope you enjoy!

“God, I don’t even know how to describe the love you have shown me tonight, but boy oh boy ya girl is gonna try. You. Are. So. Intentional. You know my heart through & through and go the extra mile to capture it. The lightning and the wind and the leaves all paint a picture of a Father jumping up and down, waving his hands, and screaming “Hi!!! Hello!! Look at me!! I love you this much!! I can and will do anything for you!!” By no means did I deserve to come and sit at your feet tonight, but you beckoned me here. In the midst of my sorrow and repentance you called me to your throne and filled me with hope & peace & love. YOU KNOW I haven’t felt seen, heard, or loved but GOSH you are quick to make a spectacle to fill those empty spaces! You are the dad on the sidelines of a sports event screaming like a madman to show support, to let your child know you’re proud. You are the dad who shows up with flowers at the end of a recital. You are CRAZY and I love it. Like, woah, that’s my dad!! You’ve given me way too many reasons for me to trust you. When I chose to stray, you continued to recklessly pursue me in compassion. You continued to choose me. THANK YOU ABBA, you got me!! I am wholly yours!! I’m here!!!! Laughing and smiling and being allll giddy with you! You seriously can do anything. You can achieve and conquer and display anything you want to, Father. I will scream with my arms wide open my trust for you. For it’s vast and growing!!! I have so many sweet reminders all around me of who you are and what you’ve done. You are a good father. Thank you for the tears and laughs and smiles. For this “forever engrained in my mind” moment. You’ve made me a sweet home in your love and I feel cozied up in it. I’m so thankful to be your daughter. ”

So, here I am now, feeling refreshed and desired, fully surrendering to my Father. & here is a funny thing: today I woke up with an ear infection. I can’t hear out of my right ear and it hurts pretty bad (I’ve cried a few times, lol), but I can confidently say that I trust the Lord in this. Praise !!!

Thankful for all of the glory & pain that has been month 1 of the race. Super stoked to watch the Lord pull through these next 8 months. Thank you for reading this blog, praying that the Lords wisdom and tenderness touches each & every one of your hearts!

Until next time <3