the walter mitty complex

Hello! This is a tender blog for me to share. I usually like to write posts when I have reached the other side of my battle, but as I am typing this I feel like I am in the trenches. This past month has been difficult. I almost knocked my brain out by falling in a sewer, I have been sick again and again, & spiritual warfare has hit me hard. To be honest, I have let these things consume me, to create a deep discontent in my soul. I began to doubt. A lot. I desperately wanted to leave my room and do something, anything. But alas, your sick and recovering girl needed rest, so my discontent continued. I have named the season/mindset I am in ‘The Walter Mitty Complex.’ A phenomenon where Nol’s desire is transfixed on something rather than Jesus, creating dissatisfaction, irritability, and jealousy. As racers would say, I have been in the ‘victim circle.’ Not a fun place to be. 

My favorite movie is “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty,” & funny enough its played a bit of a role in my current season (hence “The Walter Mitty Complex”). The film is jam-packed with things that set my heart on fire (I would explain the plot, but all you need to know for this blog is that Walter goes to Iceland and Afghanistan and it’s really dope). I have watched it twice since being in Malaysia, and I found myself yearning for this incredible, radical something new. And by “something new” I quite literally mean the movie inspires me to run up a mountain or fly an airplane or fight a monkey. Sadly, I have done none of these things. & gosh, the selfishness in my heart has lead me to resent the Lord a little. Rather than focusing on the abundance of blessings in my life, I focused on my lack. 

Here is a journal I wrote about the ache in my heart: “im in a rushing river. & when I’m not willingly swimming upstream, I drift downwards, I get pulled with the current. I haven’t been actively pursuing God’s will for me at this time. Lamentations 3:22. the Lord is here. here in my failure. here in my injury and sickness and stress and hurt. & here his faithful love abounds and restores me. Lord, speak truth into this. into what I’ve been ignoring, what I’ve been blind to, and how you want me to run back to you…” His answer to that cry? “When have you stopped to let me comfort you? When have you stopped at all? Stop. Let me show you that I am all the wild ride you search for, the light in your adversities. Let me teach you how to rest.”

Haha, that response hit me like 5 freight trains. Thanks God for humbling me swiftly!! All I have been able to do since is repent and be thankful for the grace he pours on me daily. My mind tends to run 10 steps ahead of the Lord, and it’s sweet when He steadies me and reminds me to be present. Like, c’mon!! I’m in Malaysia right now! I have a team of 6 incredible women! The Lord is molding my heart to look more like His! That’s enough reason to celebrate! HE is enough reason to celebrate. His love takes me through endless twists and turns that I am immensely grateful for. Through all things, His love and goodness are such constants for me.

Abba is so gracious for allowing me to grow from my failures. A practice I have implemented because of them is saying “I am alive, thank you, God” in simple moments. When I am in bed, “I am alive, Thank you, God.” In the car, “I am alive, Thank you, God.” At ministry, “I am alive, Thank you, God.” There are so many things to be thankful for. I’m alive, I have an incredible God, & that’s enough.