Sweet friends, it has been one heck of a ride since I’ve last updated you-lets catch up.
When I got home from the race, the Lord gave me a really sweet space of stillness (cause like, what else do you do in a pandemic?) to process and grieve my time overseas. I had really tender moments and days spent with the Lord in the thick of quarantine. Went on a few road trips in that time. Took so many aimless drives down Texas country roads. & then Abba gave me the opportunity to work full time and live in an apartment in the city I love (cue the yeehaws and images of cowboys for GOOD OL TX).
Even though I was settled in a city I called home, SHOOT DANG-it was hard. I experienced a deep wave of depression that hit me like a truck. I felt the burdensome load of shame and spent way too much time in my room, because besides work, I couldn’t get myself to leave. I felt stuck, I felt alone, and I felt helpless. Until-
-This past December the Lord gave me an incredible opportunity to pack up that apartment, quit my job, leave austin, & move to Gainesville, Georgia to participate in a program named CGA (center for global action). At first it felt like a Hail Mary, like I was quitting something that I just needed to muscle through, but Jesus gave me the peace that I wasn’t running away from anything, rather, running to something greater.
Let me tell ya, my time in CGA wasn’t a piece of cake. The program is a sweet space for world race alumni to learn how to lead themselves, lead others, and be lead by God. It’s a space for healing, picking up brokenness, creating healthy and holy community, and challenging your people to pursue the Lord in new ways. And while when I type that out it’s sounds ~go with the flow~ and pretty cookie cutter, it’s HARD and you have to place yourself in right mindset to push yourself to grow. Now I KNEW going in that I had some ish to work through. I knew that it was going to be difficult to cut to the root of my struggles with mental illness and striving…
BUT GOD IS FAITHFUL! Never have I experienced such freedom in a season of deep sorrow. For every heartache and ‘thorn in my side,’ the Lord met me with immense loving-kindness. All of my wounds were tended to with care and gentleness. At the beginning of my time in CGA, I couldn’t even look in the mirror and say I was proud of myself-for anything. But NOW I can dance in celebration and awe of who Abba has created me to be. I used to feel shame for my emotions and how I carried them, but now I stand firm in the fact that my openness and authenticity is a way that I can care for people! Vulnerability breeds vulnerability! I saw healing! Redemption! Clarity! Wonder! Friendship! I could go on and on about Gods kindness in the past couple of months, but that would be a 20-page-long-blog and nobody wants to read that (hehe).
All of this updating and reminiscing was sparked by a picture I took right before I left my apartment in Austin, TX. All of my wall decor was taken down in that empty room besides one lil’ clipping from a magazine that says “how good it is.” I had that up on my wall at the time to try and convince myself that something was good in my life. That maybe if I had it on my wall I would believe it to be true. But now I see that as a testimony to God’s goodness. A remembrance of what was so that I may celebrate what has been done. I see it as truth.
And now, I’m about to end my time here-I am packing up and leaving in about a week! Grieving, yet again, but also rejoicing. & I’m leaving this season with a lot more surety that in the next place I go I will be able to cultivate community and joy with Jesus himself by my side. Kicking isolation and depression TO THE CURB!
If you’ve read all of this, thank you. It’s a joy to have your support, and I am sorry that I let the chaos of my last season keep me from giving you a well deserved update. Feel free to text me or call me (713-412-8785). I’m in your corner! I’m here for you! To pray for you, love you! Uber thankful for everything the Lord has done in my life through you.
Filled and overflowing with joy and gratitude.
Hallelujah & amen.
Proud of you Noelle for facing your fears and your willingness to be open and vulnerable. So good to hear you were able to receive healing and understanding. It is a process but God is faithful and our freedom and living from our authentic self helps others break free. Keep running the race God has for you. I am cheering you on and praying for you! Big hug ?
“ freedom in a season of deep sorrow. For every heartache and ‘thorn in my side,’ the Lord met me with immense loving-kindness” YES!
and
“ in the next place I go I will be able to cultivate community and joy with Jesus himself by my side. Kicking isolation and depression TO THE CURB”
YES! I mean COME ONNNNNN!!! HECK YEAH BABY! You did hard things! And the Lord was kind and faithful to you through them! And there’s so much more to come!!! Amen amen amen!!!