first glance at re-entry

(wrote this in my journal this morning, decided that it would be a good lil update for my supporters. love you all, hope u enjoy the read)

yesterday i boarded a plane to austin texas. i boarded that plane alone, not surrounded by the 40 people that have become my family. not only was i alone, but no one else was sitting in my row. the Lord knew I needed a space to myself. so, i cried and worshiped the whole flight home.  

the flight ended, and suddenly i was somewhere familiar again. familiar, but not home. i noticed that the austin airport finally got a starbucks (praise GOD) & walked past advertisements for some of my favorite spots in the city. i waited for my bags and cried some more (not used to having the only osprey airporter at baggage claim). my bag finally arrived and i made my way to the curb. my mom’s red minivan pulled up and my family stepped out. the “hello agains” were sweet. 

the whole way home i stuck my head out the window like a dog, trying to grasp the reality that I was back in austin. finally, we pulled up to my house. not my home, i don’t think i will call it that for a while, but my house. threw my bag next to the washer and sat on the countertop. drank some sparkling water. ate some cheese cubes. cried some more. sat there as the life’s of my family went on around me. a routine i was used to was no longer a routine i fit under. 

while i was gone, i got a new car, so my mom showed me how to work that. sitting in the drivers seat was very very odd. she also showed me my freshly painted room-all organized and clean. i took a warm shower with REAL shampoo and conditioner (pls never buy lush shampoo and conditioner bars). i scrubbed off the remaining costa rican volcanic ash, put on some familiar clothes, plopped on my bed, and passed out. 

now i’m sitting on the countertop again, facing my backyard. sipping on some cold brew with oat milk, trying to process what just happened. i’m learning that it’s so okay to not be okay for a long while. learning that grace is my current life source. learning that joy and thankfulness are not cancelled out my grieving and mourning!!! maybe one day drinking cold brew with oat milk will be familiar again, but for now i will choose to marvel in the unfamiliar nature of what i once knew.

may the next few months be time of wonder, growth, and dependence on my sweet Heavenly Father.