unfinished

Hello friends! As of now, I am on my senior trip to Europe (list of cities: London, Paris, Nice, Sorrento, Capri, Rome, Athens). When visiting Paris, we got the opportunity to stroll around Musee d’Orsay. I’m a classic art history nerd, so it was astounding to see pieces that I studied throughout high school! However, the works that stood out to me were not Van Gogh’s self-portrait, nor Venus, nor Little Dancer, but two unfinished Byzantine paintings in a hidden corridor. I believe they depicted a biblical scene, for the characters had halos drawn above their heads (one I THINK was supposed to depict Jesus after the resurrection). Something about the fact that it wasn’t completed stuck with me. It’s left a lasting impression since I left the museum, it stood out in a simply beautiful way.

One thing that I’ve learned on this trip is that I am far from finished. The way I am right now is NOT the end product. God has much more pruning, molding, and sculpting in store for me throughout the course of my life. I often assume that when I “conquer” a problem it disappears. No more slip-ups in that area of life!! My heart is good as new and time to tackle a new problem!! So far from the truth. So many problems I have faced seem to have resurfaced on this trip. At first, it seemed debilitating. Like c’mon God!! Give me the next thing!! I am VERY thankful for my eagerness, but sometimes I need to just slow down and process what the Lord is presenting me with. I am human. I screw up MULTIPLE times a day. May I often screw up the same way over and over again? Yes. Does that make me any less a beloved child of God? Absolutely not. Oh, how I love to be reminded of how the Lord delights in our attempts. However, in this time it is more important for me to be reminded that God likes to do things His own way, and often times that way does NOT coincide with my preferences. Its time for me to change the way I handle things when I am presented when an issue. Take some time to process (with the Lord!!), read the word, reflect on the steps you took to get where you are, choose to receive his grace. It is okay to mess it up sometimes!! 

Right now, I’m feeling stuck because I’m facing insecurity again. It sounds so silly to type because I believe that will be an uphill battle for quite a while, but my brain thought that suppressing the pain would have been good enough for me. False. When you look at a passing window and you tear up because you feel so out of place in your own skin, you need to address that. When you are so worried about Europeans judging you for being American so you yell at your mom when she tries to talk in public, it’s unhealthy to ignore. When you fix your hair 4 times an hour because you hate the way it’s growing out, tell God the honest way you feel. As much as it bothers me to admit that these lies are breaking me, its time for me to be vulnerable. Even with the pain strung along with them, I’m so thankful. It allows me to fight daily to remind myself of the truth God established before my birth. That I am so loved and cherished, that it’s okay to fail, that it’s okay to struggle mentally, but there IS freedom and He will so faithfully carry you through it. Just choose to trust that He will. Thank you, Lord.

I am a beautiful and unfinished work of art. I am delicately painted by the master creator. I am constantly being crafted to look more like my father in heaven. So many things are intentionally working together for the glory of the Lord within my soul. Today, I choose to delight in the fact that I am unfinished. Always have been, always will be…until I’m called home to heaven. Thank you, friends, for reading. It’s hard to write blogs in the midst of my struggle, but I receive so much peace when I share my heart to you all. Thank you for all of the love & support. I cherish you deeply!!!